Why is Community So Hard?

By Lilia Tse

Finding community has been so hard for the Christian Millennial and Gen Z generations. These generations have moved around much more than Gen X or Boomers. Most Gen X and Boomers grew up, went to school, went to church, found their spouses and even had their jobs exactly in the same area or town. If they moved, it would be a single big relocation. Meanwhile many Millennials moved for college, graduate school, internships, study abroad, jobs, spouses, parents, kids and more.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Millennials and younger generations have had the highest geographic mobility rates.[1] The idea that moving is acceptable started with college. As that became socially acceptable, the rush to move for better opportunities became the norm. Plus with the decrease in job stability, younger generations are less likely to be loyal to a company and more likely to job-hop. According to Gallup, 60% of Millennials are open to a new job. Additionally, Millennials and Gen Z are increasingly seen as “digital nomads,” working from different locations and often changing residences based on their personal or professional interests.[2] A Howdy report shows they are even moving internationally for better jobs or lifestyle, with 1 in 5 complaining of loneliness.[3] Lastly, the 2024 report from NAR said the median time sellers had lived in their home before selling (“tenure”) for older Millennials was ∼6 years, which is shorter than for some older generations (like Boomers, Gen X) whose tenure tends to be much longer.[4] Affordability challenges are mentioned in various forms.

The Impact of COVID, Social Media, and How to Make a Friend

For Gen Z and Gen Alpha, it’s been even worse. Social media has been greatly impacting their social lives since middle school. A majority of them had devices—whether it be an Xbox or a smartphone—to connect them to digital social lives, and they relied on them more heavily during the COVID years. During the years of 2020 and 2021, only 28% of children ages 5 through 11 had in-person interaction with friends at least once per week, according to a 2022 Common Sense Media report.[5] Most were restricted to digital forms of communication, and many only saw friends from a distance or through screens. Mask mandates, social distancing, and school closures significantly disrupted normal social development during this time. Talk about not having social lives or meaningful friendships.

According to a 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships by University of Kansas professor Jeffrey A. Hall, it takes about 50 hours of shared time to move from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to become a real friend, and over 200 hours to become a close friend.[6] No wonder, in this busy day and age, we can’t find close friends. It’s not necessarily that people don’t want deep connections—it’s that many of us don’t realize that building a meaningful friendship requires intentional time and effort. Without dedicating that time, relationships tend to remain shallow or fade away entirely. The study emphasizes quality time, especially unstructured time, like hanging out or having deep conversations, as more effective than simply being around each other in structured environments (like work or class).

And so we rely on social media, not realizing that it’s just lulling us into a false sense of community. What happens when your world breaks apart? Would you post that on social? Likely not. And there’s no one who comes knocking on your door to check on you when you stop posting. In “Illusion of Community & Superficial Connections” by Brainz Magazine, social media provides fleeting validation through likes and follows and does not make up for real emotional connection; on the contrary, it can lead to loneliness.[7] A piece from Penn State called “Lack of Real Emotional Connection” shares that social media which emphasizes followers does not equal friends, and that our perceptions are skewed when online only. Indeed, social media tends to have the opposite impact on real community building.[8] A 2024 survey of 2,000 Gen Z Americans found that nearly half reported negative emotions after just 38 minutes on Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook, due to upsetting content, unproductive use, and fear of missing out. Maybe the false community building just pushes us into our shells even more.[9]

Millennials & Younger

Many of us Millennials—and now even younger generations—have been pushed first to excel in our careers, then to focus on raising kids, then to scramble for homeownership, and now many of us are juggling side hustles just to make it all work. Research shows 58% of Millennial moms feel parenting has hindered their career, over half say it’s harder to buy a home now than for previous generations, and more than 50% are engaging in multiple income streams, often risking burnout.[10]

When are we ever told to stay in one place, and spend your energy making and keeping friends? Many Millennials and Gen Z and now Gen Alpha were pushed into endless extracurriculars, from sports to dance to academic clubs, but these schedules rarely fostered true community. Research shows that the busier students become with organized activities, the less time they have for casual, lasting friendships, and the more prone they are to stress and burnout.[11] Sociologist Robert Putnam warned in his book Bowling Alone that organized activities do not create the same social capital as real communities rooted in reciprocity and responsibility.[12] And sociologist Mark Granovetter’s work on the “strength of weak ties” shows that hobby-based connections tend to remain surface-level, useful for information but rarely dependable in times of crisis.[13]

As adults, we replace the extracurriculars with hobbies—sports, collectibles, cars, travel—thinking they’ll give us community. But what they really give us are weak ties. Hobbies don’t ask much of participants beyond showing up. Real communities notice absence, distribute care, and create accountability.[14] A 2021 Survey Center on American Life report found that the number of Americans saying they have no close friends quadrupled since 1990. 12% say they have no close friends now, up from 3% in 1990. The researchers note that while hobbies provide interaction, they don’t substitute for friends who check on you when you disappear.[15]

Barriers to Relationship

Research shows our younger generations have a difficult time with social skills and valuing relationships. This is due in part to a lack of learning opportunities. A study in the journal Frontiers in Psychology highlights a decline in social-emotional skills among young adults in our remote and digital-first world.[16] This environment also contributes to a “throwaway” attitude toward relationships. A University of Kansas study found a strong correlation between a highly mobile society and a “disposable mindset” toward friendships.[17] This mindset suggests that if a friendship fails, there are always more people to be found, a perspective fueled by social media, which makes it easier to abandon a connection rather than invest the effort to repair it.

Sometimes we hope our jobs will feel like a second family, or a tribe. But that feeling can be shattered when you get laid off, betrayed, or gossiped about, making it seem like high school bullying never ended. This experience is backed by research showing that feeling connected at work is really important; for example, a Harvard Business Review article, “We’re Still Lonely at Work,” highlights how a sense of belonging makes employees happier and more engaged.[18] However, this ideal is often broken. Getting laid off can feel like a major betrayal of an unspoken promise between you and your boss, a concept called the “psychological contract,” which was discussed in a March 2021 journal.[19]

There are also other barriers to building a community. Two major reasons are the decline of “third places” and a focus on hyper-individualism.[20] Third places are spots like diners or community centers where people used to hang out outside of home and work to make friends, per The Great Good Place by sociologist Ray Oldenburg. But many of these places have been replaced by private businesses like coffee shops. At the same time, our culture has become much more focused on individual success and personal needs rather than on group loyalty. This makes it harder for people to commit to the time and effort it takes to build a real community. So it’s no wonder that our younger generations are lonelier.

What Can We Do About This?

So what can we do about this? First, we can start by talking about it and bringing awareness to the issue, that it’s solvable so long as we are intentional about putting relationships first. We have to help people recognize that their feelings are common, not a personal failure. In addition, the importance of being intentional is proven by a 2018 University of Kansas study cited earlier, which found that it takes a specific number of hours of shared time to build close friendships, showing that relationships require deliberate effort to grow.

Second, offering lots of small groups—with variety, connection between them, and group outings during the year—will also help. The American Psychological Association and other health organizations have long recognized the benefits of group settings.[21] They work because they require a regular commitment from a small number of people, which makes it easier to get to know each other on a deeper level. This consistent, face-to-face interaction is a key ingredient for forming lasting bonds.

When I joined Bergen Christian Testimony Church (BCTC) in 2024, my family and I were immediately invited to join a small group of about 20 regular attendees each Friday. We were also invited to multiple barbecues on Saturdays over the course of the first 6 months of attending. Multiple elders also connected with us individually and as a family, getting to know our situation and sharing their personal testimonies and struggles too. As a result, I felt like I got to know my church really well. Having the leaders invest their time into me and my family right away felt like they cared about us personally. Trying to imitate what I saw on the Chinese side, I took the initiative to build a small group for the English fellowship too, opening our home up in a monthly small group of 4-5 families, and also starting a weekly women’s small group on Wednesday nights.

Third, churches can become that “third place” of connection, with tons of coffee corners or hangout spots to coalesce—indoor and outdoor to allow for un-programmed chance meetings to occur so that people can get in the necessary hours to become close friends. Oldenburg highlights the importance of these public spaces (like coffee shops and pubs) where people can meet the same individuals by chance. When a church provides areas for casual, unstructured gatherings, it allows for the kind of unplanned interactions that lead to new friendships. At BCTC, we experience a lot of that through “hallway time” on our way to the Bible study, the cooking hour, or the children’s Singspiration hour. Partially because BCTC has so many activities, and many small group members are actively involved, there is an interconnected web of relationships that foster this sense of community in the church.

What Do the Scriptures Say?

The community as demonstrated in the Bible shows us that it’s one of the most important parts of being a Christian. Community is also the primary witness to the world. Most communities, however, require being in physical proximity to one another.

The book of Acts shows the first believers building community by “devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer” (Acts 2:42b, NASB). These practices of worship, learning, and sharing life together are the foundations of Christian community. We see the necessity of community for a healthy Christian life.

Jesus says that if believers in community love each other, then it is a powerful witness.

“I am giving you a new commandment, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples: if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35)

This teaching says that the love believers have for each other is the defining characteristic of community and the most powerful witness of Christian faith. We must intentionally expand the church to and as the community.

Jesus demonstrated the essence of community when He washed His disciples’ feet—a humble act that required being physically present with them. Likewise, to be God’s hands and feet and carry out acts of love, we must intentionally be near one another. As the Redeemer reminds us, His work is local, grounded in real relationships and tangible presence.

The Church thrives when we show up for one another, building real friendships through shared time and intentional care. As we love each other deeply, we grow stronger together and reflect Christ’s presence in our midst. From these bonds, we are empowered to serve our local communities, making the love of God visible in tangible, everyday ways.

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Lilia Tse is a Barnard College graduate, former digital media professional, and former cofounder of Adfire Health. A stay-at-home mom, TikTok creator, and faith leader—including youth leader of Gospel Camp and President of Word of Life Bangladesh—she shares the gospel of Christ and inspires meaningful connections through digital media.

REFERENCES

1. Birth cohort geographic mobility in the United States, accessed September 22, 2025, https://www2.census.gov/library/publications/2025/demo/acs-60.pdf.

2. Amy Adkins, “Millennials: The Job-Hopping Generation,” Gallup.com, March 25, 2025, https://www.gallup.com/workplace/231587/millennials-job-hopping-generation.aspx.

3. “Wave of Gen Zers and Millennials Working Abroad in 2025,” Howdy, accessed September 21, 2025, https://www.howdy.com/blog/digital-nomad-statistics.

4. Jerry Kidd, “2024 NAR Profile of Home Buyers and Sellers,” RealtyTechBytes.com by Jerry Kidd, December 28, 2024, https://realtytechbytes.com/2024-nar-profile-of-home-buyers-and-sellers/.

5. 2022 - Annual Report, accessed September 22, 2025, https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/featured-content/files/2022-annual-report-d3_final_100dpi-1.pdf.

6. Jeffrey A. Hall, How many hours does it take to make a friend?, 2019, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407518761225.

7. “Illusion of Connection and the Dangers of Over-Reliance on Social Media for Community,” Brainz Magazine, February 12, 2025, https://www.brainzmagazine.com/post/illusion-of-connection-and-the-dangers-of-over-reliance-on-social-media-for-community.

8. Abby Kuligowski, A false sense of community, accessed September 21, 2025, https://sites.psu.edu/aspsy/2023/11/02/a-false-sense-of-community/.

9. “Why 3 in 4 Gen Z Blame Social Media for Their Mental Health Decline,” Talker Research, February 17, 2025, https://talkerresearch.com/why-3-in-4-gen-z-blame-social-media-for-their-mental-health-decline/?utm_source.

10. Jane Thier and Sydney Lake, “Millennials and Gen Z Say It’s Harder to Buy a House and Get Promoted than It Was for Their Parents,” Fortune, January 15, 2025, https://fortune.com/2023/11/09/gen-z-millennials-difficulties-buying-house-finding-job/?utm_source; Kim Parker, “Despite Progress, Women Still Bear Heavier Load than Men in Balancing Work and Family,” Pew Research Center, March 10, 2015, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2015/03/10/women-still-bear-heavier-load-than-men-balancing-work-family/; Caroline Castrillon, “How Millennials Can Avoid Burnout Working Multiple Jobs,” Forbes, June 4, 2025, https://www.forbes.com/sites/carolinecastrillon/2025/05/13/how-millennials-working-multiple-jobs-can-avoid-burnout/?utm_source; Ashley Fike, “This Crazy Side Hustle Culture Is Burning Everyone Out,” VICE, May 17, 2025, https://www.vice.com/en/article/this-crazy-side-hustle-culture-is-burning-everyone-out/?utm_source.

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20. Ananda Majumdar, Hyper individualism is the process of Hyper Culture: A sign of uncertainty, accessed September 22, 2025, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/352668385_HYPER_INDIVIDUALISM_IS_THE_PROCESS_OF_HYPER_CULTURE_A_SIGN_OF_UNCERTAINTY.

21.  Amy Novotney, Monitor on Psychology, April 2019, https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/04/group-therapy.