From Understanding to Compassion: A Guide for Better Communication
by Brandon Morgan
As Christians, we should strive to be moved by kindness and respond with action. After all, the Lord Jesus often did this. Since the scripture says: abide in the Lord and do as the Lord does, we must also be driven by compassion to serve others.
However, here comes the problem. We should all agree that kindness does matter. The definition of "kindness" is sympathy and concern for the suffering or well-being of others. Literal understanding is one thing, but how can it be achieved in practice?
From the experience of training institutions and business leaders, I found that "asking questions" can be a path to kindness. In the four Gospels, Jesus asked more than 300 questions. But wait a minute, Jesus declared himself to be “the way” and “the truth” and he knew what was in people’s hearts, so why did he ask so many questions?
I think we might know something about someone, but hearing it from the person himself is another thing. Asking "questions" lets us hear what people have to say .
I hope this article can help us learn to listen and understand others by asking questions, so as to cultivate a kind heart.
Before I dig further into what kind of questions to ask, I want to dig into why Jesus asked questions. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks," Jesus said. He often uses questions to reveal His thoughts. Since the Lord already knows people’s thoughts, one of the reasons why He asks questions is to let people see their own hearts.
Jesus also asked people to learn to introspect and think by asking questions . He was wise enough to know that the Father had revealed Himself to those who would encounter Jesus. The Lord is like a treasure hunter. He asks questions to stimulate people’s reflection, just like discovering hidden gold in a clay vessel.
Furthermore, He empowered His disciples with questions . Many times the Son of Man, Jesus, challenges those who follow Him through questions; not to be unkind to them, but to know that they will become leaders and need to be prepared for such a position.
For these reasons, we should also ask questions. People still have such needs: to reveal their inner self; to challenge their thinking ability; and to affirm their leadership.
So, what questions do we need to use?
OK, we can all accept why questions are asked. But which questions are the most important? What questions can be asked to reveal one’s heart, trigger thinking, and affirm one’s leadership? Even though we know we need to ask more questions, we sometimes tend to use questions to trick people into getting the answers we want them to get. The purpose of asking questions is not to control but to cultivate kindness . When trying to guide someone to "your" conclusion, it's very possible that you're not asking questions out of genuine kindness, but because you're trying to solve the other person's problem.
We need to be mindful, resist this tendency to ask leading questions, and instead step into the unknown with others. What we need to ask are questions that allow others to introspect and gain insights.
Here are two ways: the practice of ‘Retelling’ to affirm or hone in on genuine understanding and the ‘PECK’ a helpful acronym to guide your questions for others:
1. Retelling
“You listened, but did you ‘hear’ me?” This may be how we feel during the conversation, or how it makes others feel. We can indeed ask questions. But what good are these questions if you don’t listen to what others have to say? We can ensure active listening through replay.
Basically, "retelling" means you listen to what others say and then describe what you heard back to them in your own words. You can start with: "You just said..." or "I heard you say...". This is a simple principle, but it allows us to hear what others say and make them feel heard.
▲ Using kindness as the starting point for asking questions can help you hear the other person’s heart and guide them to think about God’s inspiration.
2. PECK model (the problem of helping people move towards obedience)
This question-asking model shared below allows us to use kindness as a starting point to help others achieve insights and feasible steps to obey God.
Put it this way! Someone comes to you to talk about what they are going through. The first thing to do is to use paraphrase to make sure you hear their concerns and situation, and then ask questions that:
P: Point to God
Sometimes we are tempted to simply dismiss people’s challenges with Bible verses, as if they don’t know they can help. But in this way, can we really kindly induce the other party to reflect on themselves and gain insights? With the first step of this model, we can ask questions like:
• How do you think God is leading you in this situation?
• What needs to be done to resolve this situation?
• What scripture or passage from the Bible does this situation remind you of?
• What do you think is the least feasible aspect of God’s guidance?
These questions assume (correctly) that God has spoken to that person. We don’t need to be that person’s “Jesus.” Many times we are friends of the “groom” and our role is to point the way. After pointing to "the way," what can we ask?
E: Examine the Root
Just like with medical diagnosis, the symptoms we see are often not the real problem. Paradoxically, the visible symptoms are often the easiest to deal with. The following questions allow us to finally discover the real situation:
• What is stopping you from following God?
• When have similar challenges occurred in the past?
• Where do you think God is trying to make you grow through this situation?
Many times the Lord reveals where He is working in people; He already knows, but wants us to also know, how and where He is working. With this insight, what next?
▲ By asking questions, we point the way to God Himself.
C: Cultivate Choices
What obedience looks like varies from person to person. What works for us personally may not work for others. It is important for people to examine themselves as to how God is leading them, for example by asking questions such as these about prayer patterns or specific actions to be taken:
• What posture do you think is needed to move in the right direction?
• Whose support do you need to be obedient?
• What actions show you are taking action?
When people form their own choices, guided by the Holy Spirit, they are more likely to stick with them. How else can we ask to give motivation to persevere in obedience?
K: Keeping in Step with Obedience (continuous process of obedience)
As Christ said, “Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice will be likened to a wise man who built his house on the rock.” Our questions should lead one to not only make a decision to change, but to take action toward God’s heart. Move forward with the plan. These issues include:
• What can we pray about now to start this positive action?
• What can you do today to initiate this change?
• How can I hold you accountable for your future actions?
One of the most important things we can do as part of the body of Christ is encourage others to obey.
Perhaps for some people, asking questions is an unfamiliar area and method. I would like to point out here why asking questions is a long-term strategy: it is not only about helping others solve their problems, but also that with every question we ask, we can develop a little more understanding and empathy for other people's experiences. Once we have empathy for others, a direct result is the ability to feel kindness and act on it.
So, let’s begin our journey like this——
Brandon Morgan is currently a leadership facilitator, researcher, and consultant in Boston, MA. He is passionate about oneness in the Church. When Brandon isn’t working, he can be found: rock climbing, reading, writing, spending time with those he loves, and playing solitaire with real cards (yeah, really).
If you would like to join one of our Communication Workshops in-person or online, you can sign-up for an invite to our next session. We also have a downloadable guide with helpful reminders, empathy building exercises, and sample questions to jumpstart conversations with the important relationships in your life. If you’d like to explore hosting one of our workshops at your church, small group, or with your ministry team, please reach out: hello@projectarctos.com.